I Can Breathe

This year seems anew to me. Pretty obvious as it is a new year. But this time it is different. I will turn another decade, my faith is a continual journey for which I am excited to see where He leads, I'm learning to appreciate people and things in a different light, and I feel like I can finally breathe.

We've introduced two children into our home every other year since 2011. I forget that isn't 'norm', and our journey to parenthood and a family of six is definitely not cookie cutter. This is all I know. For a while after having twins, I lived in survival mode. I just wanted to get through each minute/hour/day. I couldn't look to the next meal or day without incredible anxiety and even resentment. Two babies is HARD WORK. It's cute and ideal, but friends, it isn't pretty. So there I lived.. survival. 

As I was gaining ground, we introduced Lilly Scott as a sibling and daughter. Mac and Paisley were 10 months old, and we were welcoming a 6 year old into our home. I was so scared of what I would do now. I could finally manage, and my world rocked again. Not with a baby, but a child who had a whole world of needs that I wasn't even aware of how to give.

The message at church the day after the decision was made to bring LS home floored me. It was everything I needed to hear. I wept with thanksgiving as I remembered I wasn't alone. I was (am) part of a mighty plan that is so, SO much bigger than me. He is alongside me, and I just have to be intentional about making room for Him. You see, that anxiety and worry I struggle with... it isn't from Him. It's actually from an enemy who wants to steal Christ's glory in all things. 

Fast forward to 2013. We are having another baby! Yes! No. Oh.NO! I was scared. We were loving our precious family, and God changed it. Jordan reminded me at our first ultrasound of God's promise that we aren't given more than we can handle. When I decided to stop believing Satan and start relying on that faith I had exercised with Jesus, I was okay again. Sure, it took time, but I'm merely a servant. It's not all about me.

Now, in 2015, I have been given such an extension of grace. It is a beautiful thing. I've lived in a 'survival mode' since Wells' birth. It's so easy to put Jesus in a box. I'll let him teach me about ______ and ________ but no way is this an open area. That's my truth. That's what I did, even without realizing it. Then it hit me that I don't want to live like that. He meant so much more for me. It's okay if I don't have everything accomplished, but I need to let go of that guilt. GRACE, my friends, grace. It's a beautiful, magnetic, miraculous thing. It is so easy to receive if we just call upon Him. 

This morning I'm home with a pink eye victim who is napping. I got to spend time in quiet and scripture with a cup of joe. I open last week's study and re-read about hard grace. Ann Voscamp writes: 

God is always good and I am always loved... the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness... This (is) the hard eucharisteo. The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good...

Amen. This is from her devotion book One Thousand Gifts, devotion 26. It is a beautiful piece straight to my heart over the recent years as change went faster than I could grasp. 

In my whirlwind, I have decided not to live on the brink. I have asked Jesus to save me from being overwhelmed, and He has. I.can.breathe. I have a renewed love for cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and organizing. I intentionally put all things aside to teach and cherish my four little bits. They teach me about love, kindness, and truth. He saw me here, today. He knew it all along even when I was spinning in the hamster wheel that I put myself inside. After sharing my heart on this day, let me pause to thank Him for all things. He is so good, so pure, and I want to know Him better every minute. 

Thank you for reading with me today. Please let me know how I may walk alongside you. 

as always,

ashley 

Edit 1: Let me also share that Wells turning one was also part of the reconditioning of my mindset. So if you're in the midst of baby/child/life chaos, please persevere and know there is a light in the end. I have people who reminded me that the hard stuff is a phase. If your days aren't the brightest, rest in knowing there is a bigger plan, and persevere. You aren't alone. :o)

Edit 2: I forgot something so exciting!! In 2015... something will happen. I don't know what, but my heart is being prepared for something. Maybe not even in 2015, but this excitement is coming from one who keeps His promises, always. 

Mac's Break :o(

This is the story of Mac's first broken bone. I'm writing it for our memory and so that Mac can read about what he went through at such a young age.

I took Mac and Paisley to Mother's Day Out about 9:30 on Thursday, December 12, 2013. I went home to grab our Angel Tree gift bag and left Wells with Mimi (Jordan's mom) to drop it off the bag and run other errands. As I drove passed the school, my phone rang. It was MDO. I tried to answer, but my phone wouldn't so it went to voicemail. It was odd to get a call from them so I decided to stop. As I pulled in I listened to the voicemail that Mac had hurt his leg in the classroom, and he was upset. I initially sent a friend in to check on him to prevent adding to his stress, but my gut told me to go in also.

As I walked down the hallway toward the gym I heard Mac crying. I knew this wasn't  'normal'. Mac's teacher handed him to me, and the teachers were brainstorming on what happened. I was told it was probably a twisted ankle and shown how Mac was found on the floor. I left
Paisley there to take Mac to the pediatrician because he was clearly in a lot of pain.

Mac squeezed my neck so hard for fear I would put him down. I carried him to the car and placed him in the car seat. I called the pediatrician to verify they would see us. We were on our way.

I watched him in the car to see if I could figure out the severity of his 'ankle' injury. I noticed his left (injured) foot wasn't propped on the seat like the right foot. He also screamed each time we went over a bump in the road. He sobbed the entire way to the doctor's office.

When I would pick up or carry Mac, I would protect his ankle- shielding it from bumps and any additional harm. When he sat in my lap and I stood, he would scream and squeeze my neck. Looking back I can see why.

The pediatrician did an overview of his leg.. feeling joints, his skin, looking for swelling, etc. By his lack of startled response when she touched his ankle, I assumed he was fine. She left the room for a bit, and Mac couldn't keep his eyes open. Of course now I know his body was in shock.

When she came back, she had me touch on his leg to see how he'd respond. He didn't react until she had me place my hand behind his thigh. From his snoring slumber, Mac sat straight up and screamed. My heart broke. What was wrong?!

We were sent to the imaging center for an x ray. Jordan met me there so I could go pick up Paisley, put her down for a nap and feed Wells. While I was nursing Wells, Jordan called. He was crying hysterically and could hardly utter the words 'Ashley, he has a broken femur. He has to have emergency surgery.' I burst into tears and could not hold my composure. Mimi took the phone from me and listened to the details. Once I caught my breath I called the pediatrician (we were supposed to go back after the x ray to have them read it) to see what we should do.

Dr. Jeanie was on the phone with a colleague in the TC Thompson ER telling him we were on our way. They wanted to call an ambulance, but we were able to keep his leg stable in the car seat so Jordan took Mac to the children's hospital.

I packed a bag for Wells and me because I would be staying overnight with Mac. I couldn't gather my thoughts or wrap my head around what had happened. I couldn't even comprehend what I needed to throw in my bag. The sick feeling in my stomach when I heard the news about his femur still makes me cringe.

Wells and I walked into the ER, and they immediately let us back to see Mac. I found him surrounded by an x ray team to get more pictures of his leg. I felt like the world was spinning around me as I stood still trying to gather my thoughts.

The splint on his arm was holding his IV in place. They were administering pain medications through his IV.

They got pictures, we talked to several doctors and waited to find out when he would have surgery. We were escorted to see his x ray, and I couldn't believe my eyes. He had a spiral fracture down his femur.

We opted for surgery first thing the next morning so that Mac could eat and drink. He hadn't eaten since breakfast that morning. He was hurting, scared, hungry and thirsty- Absolutely miserable to watch.

We were transported to a room where we would spend the next few days. My poor baby couldn't understand, and I wanted to switch places with him every second.

Mac was in so much pain and hardly ate anything. Our friend brought him a smoothie, and he ate part of it. Once admitted and in the room he was on fluids until midnight. His procedure would take place at 7am Friday morning.

As soon as my mom heard the news, she dropped everything at work and came immediately. She lives 2 hours away so Mimi stayed until she could get there. My friend Tedra picked Lilly Scott up from school, and I had Wells with me. We are lucky to have such support that comes to help as soon as we need.

Jordan stayed the night with Mac. I went home but came back at 6am the next morning. Someone took all of us to the pre operation area where we met the orthopedist, anesthesiologist and nursing team. The world was still rapidly spinning around me, and my strength was fading quickly. I never let Mac see me cry, but I lost it when he wasn't around.

They wheeled my baby to the operating room, and he was crying and screaming for 'Mommy' and 'Daddy' until we couldn't hear him any longer.

The 'surgery' was not invasive as we were originally told. They had to put him to sleep, intubate him, set his bone and put on a SPICA cast.

We were called as soon as it was finished, and we met him in recovery.

Once we were taken back to our room, he started vomiting everything he had on his stomach.

The heart break continues.

We stood staring at this massive cast. It was overwhelming to read the pamphlet about how to care for him in the cast, his limitations and knowing he didn't understand any of it.

 Mac was given morphine around the clock, and about 20-30 minutes before it was due he would sob and scream from pain. This happened for 24 hours. He couldn't relax enough to sleep more than a few minutes at a time. He had nausea medication in the recovery room, but he still vomited. This is a picture of a 5 minute nap. He was utterly exhausted and in intense pain. God was with me because the strength required to hold it together in front of him was nothing but spiritually given.

Mac is such an affectionate child who loves to be held and cuddled. He kept asking to be held by saying 'hold you' and reaching his arms toward you. The picture below was after he was sick so I put a cold washcloth on his forehead while Jordan held him.

This picture has two amazing people in it.

Mac had congestion from the anesthesia and his throat was raw from the intubation. He was so weak he couldn't cough up the mucus so we had to suction him. Then he vomited afterward. This cycle was all day Friday. :o(

Friday evening we were interviewed by hospital personnel, police and child protective services. In this type of break, it is the law to follow through with the family. Repeating the pieces of the story I had was draining. Then I'd look over at Mac and crumble inside.

We rented a new car seat, started the search for a reclining wheel chair and learned diaper changing and bath routines.

In this horrible event, we had incredible care at TC Thompson. We are blessed to live near this hospital. Mac received the best care we could imagine. We thank everyone on his treatment team.

Saturday afternoon we were on our way home to begin a new journey.

We have been surrounded by God's grace, friends and family and prayers. Thank you so much for lifting him up to the Creator.

It is my hope to continue to update Mac's condition here. I am already 2 weeks behind. Imagine that.

-Ashley

These Days...

What a big week we've had?! It has been an adventure, and we are receiving incredible outpourings of encouragement- thank you! We also thank those who are keeping us in your prayers- we definitely feel them! 

The day after I posted about Mac and Paisley turning 10 months old here, Mac had a tooth!! It's his bottom left, and I've yet to get a good picture. When I pull down his bottom lip, his tongue immediately comes out, and that's not such a cute picture. Okay, well it is, but it's not of the tooth. 

Paisley has started clapping! She loves when we celebrate {pretty much anything} with a 'Yayyyyy!!' because she claps with us. It's so sweet. 

Lilly Scott went to VBS at her school last week, and this week she is enjoying a gymnastics camp. She has a blast and comes home ready for pajamas and bed! We are all so proud of how well she is doing. 

We went to the pool on Saturday, and here's LS with her friend, Gracie. I failed to take pictures with my friend Megan and her two sweet girls, Addison and Emily. It was quite crazy. We had 5 adults and 7 kids 6 and under... woah.

Jordan with our duosplash float! 

 

Things are really clicking for Lilly because she's asking a lot about Jesus in our hearts. She sweetly asks about Heaven. I tell her the truth as found in Scripture, and she starts naming people that she wants to know whether 'Jesus is in their heart.' I feel so unworthy to answer such foundational questions, but this is one of those instances where I lean on Him for wisdom. Brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray for this also. The wheels are turning, and I am so grateful for the roles people have played in Lilly's life to inspire such a thirst for His truth.

And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life. 1 John 5:11-12

On a lighter note, I've got to figure out what we're going to do next week. I think we all may be climbing walls if we don't stay busy. Fortunately there are a lot of local options, but Mac and Paisley's routine keeps us pretty stabilized. We'll see. Here's a pic of what happens when we aren't busy...

Today Mac has been fussy. I don't know why. It really started yesterday evening. You know your kids are distracting when the manager and two servers at Chili's take turns offering 'anything to help.' Sorry, fellow diners. 

I ask myself, Is it his ears? Stomach? Diaper area? Is he wet? Did I eat something that's bothering him? Another tooth? He doesn't feel feverish...

Have I shared how aggressive Paisley is?? This happens several times a day... She uses Mac as a prop, pedestal, or even an obstacle.

 Saturday evening we went to a baby shower to celebrate John and Jenny's baby, Charlotte! 

Mac and me and Sarah, the hostess, and Paisley.

 

 

 I tried to get a picture of two of the three kids who would sit still... and even that barely happened.

 Sunday after church we drove to Georgia to visit Andrea's baby, Peyton Caroline! Sweet girl :o)

It's Wednesday! We're halfway there! 

xoxo,

ashley

4 + 1

Jordan, Mac, Paisley and me... our family of four. It is everything I've dreamed of and more {cliche, I know}. We are so enjoying our role of parenthood. We have had the opportunity to be surrounded by nieces and nephews that we love and adore as our own before we ever had M and P: Paxton, Lilly Scott, Caitlin and Blake. 

You know the saying "it takes a village to raise a child"? I believe it now more than ever! We have been able to celebrate births, holidays, birthdays, the first step, first tooth, potty training and the other monumental occasions {past, present, and future} in their lives. So special. 

Paxton, Caitlin and Blake have two amazing, God centered parents. Lilly Scott has been raised by my selfless and devoted mom {and dad} since birth. Looking back, Lilly's birth was in the palm of God's hand. An unexpected, teenage pregnancy that rocked all of our boats certainly transformed our family. My parents and brother Jeff and I have never been closer. We choose to be on this journey together, and we walk alongside to support and encourage. Family is such a blessing.

Our nieces and nephews have spent long weekends with us in Chattanooga, and we have made wonderful memories. Lilly has spent a lot of time here as we share a special bond-- I've had to remind myself at times that I'm actually not her mother... until now :o) 

Remember the post about the furniture we sanded and painted in our 'guest room'? It is actually for Lilly's new room. See the pictures here.

We welcomed Lilly Scott on Father's Day, and we are loving our new family of FIVE. Lilly has been surrounded with love and support her entire life, and those blessings brought her to our home!! We are excited to see what God will do in our roles as parents, Lilly's testimony, and Mac and Paisley's lives. Lilly Scott loves being a big sister to Mac and Paisley, and she's such a big helper. M and P adore Lilly. The feeling is pretty mutual. Smile.

Please lift up our family in your prayers as we enter this new phase in our lives. I am not able to do this alone- I am surrounded by His Grace to guide me when I feel overwhelmed and anxious. 

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17

To Lilly,

Thank you for choosing to love us. Thank you for wanting to be a part of our family in Chattanooga. Jordan said that moving you into our home was 'like the day we brought Mac and Paisley home.' You are so much a part of us, and we are blessed to have you every day.

Forever a Student

This post is a reflection of my heart today...

Life is about learning, and I continue to be a student every day. I learn to prioritize my time, handle grocery shopping, keeping a house (a constant struggle with two nuggets crawling around), which clothes should have been washed in cold water, that second helping of cereal wasn't worth it, and so on and so forth. Some lessons are important, some are trivial. 

Parenting.. ahhhh, parenting. I will admit- I was one of those childless people who claimed to know children and 'how to parent'. My friend Mary and I even joked sometimes that we could write a parenting book though neither of us were parents. I mean, I have a degree in working with children, she's a nurse, and we both grew up babysitting lots of kids. Boy was I wrong! This is a lesson I learn everyday: how clueless I was (and still am!)

Babies, kids they don't come with a manual. It's tough. My easy peasy toaster came with instructions, but kids-- yeah right, no way. I remember being so intimidated by Mac and Paisley when we first brought them home. I cried when my mom left because I was so afraid of being here- solo- with two newborns. Well, they're almost 10 months old, and while I haven't even begun to scratch the surface on being a parent, they have taught me so much! 

Becoming a mother has taught me how little I really knew before Mac and Paisley. I could profess my knowledge all day long, but until I've walked this journey, claiming to know or advise better than my peers is quite silly (and immature on my part). Whether the lesson is about developing a routine, how to dress, even discipline, I have learned to trust those who walk in their own shoes. With eyes on Him, I am humbled by my own unworthiness (of Him, Jesus, even Mac and Paisley).

I was on the outside before, and while I'm still on the outside of others' lives, I'm on the inside of a parental role. I have been blessed to have some amazing women parent alongside me. Women whom I can ask advice or suggestions about anything, and I value their insight. Most have been a parent longer than me, and I respect the experience they have.

Let's pick each other up by our bootstraps, and let's do this! It is my prayer that God's wisdom and grace continue to surround my friends and me as we embark on this incredible journey.

My heart is changed since having Mac and Paisley. I have more compassion for others, and I understand people (especially mothers) better. God has used M and P to enhance my relationship with Him, though He plants seeds everywhere.

If Mac and Paisley have taught me anything, it's how little I really know. I embrace the loving arms of the Heavenly Father who desires to teach me- even through infants. :o)

 Love!
-ashley

Be Still

Be still... It's what I say to Paisley when she's squirming, and I'm trying to put saline in her nose or medicine in her mouth. She's quite the squirmer. Is that even a word? If not, it should be and have Paisley's picture beside it. 

Paisley woke up early from her morning nap, and I held her as I began a new read: Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotion was about peace. It referred to the story of the Israelites and collecting manna. Basically, God did not allow the Israelites to collect more manna than what they needed for the day. This taught them constant dependence on Him, for the next day they needed Him to provide for them once more.

As I held this wiggling sweetheart, I thought about how often I am the one not being still. Whether it be for time with Him or just embracing the small moments with Mac and Paisley. I mean, they will be EIGHT months old tomorrow!!! What?! Seriously?! Stop it, time!!! I'm pretty sure they'll be leaving for college next week! 

So in this post I just want to encourage you to stop and be still. Look around, and soak in the blessings. I have two blessings sleeping upstairs and one at work who provides for our family and allows me to be home to raise Mac and Paisley. We have good health. Speaking of, Mac and Paisley's extensive lab results came back NORMAL! (Here and here are posts on this.) They've had high liver enzymes every time we've had lab work but not anymore! Hallelujah! 

Have a great Wednesday, and get ready for tomorrow's 8 Month letter to M and P. :o)

-ashley

Our Easter

What a special Easter we celebrated this year! As we celebrated the resurrection of Jesus, we were surrounded by family and delicious food. While it is easy to fall into the temptation to make Easter about egg hunts and bunnies, may we always cherish the true meaning and center of the Easter holiday: Jesus. 

I want to know Christ-- yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Philippians 3:10-12

Here is a picture story of our glorious day :o) 

Once Mac and Paisley got up from their morning nap, we dressed them and started capturing our memories. 

Annnnnd they were getting tired of the pictures already. If Mac would talk, he'd tell me to have Paisley leave him alone. I bet that will happen quite a bit in our future ;-)

Family pictures!

Cousins!!

These are my two favorite girls... Paisley will have such fun with her Lilly Scott and KK.

I even got to blow out candles! :o) 

Love all these kiddos and babies! 

I must pause and share these pictures from last Easter...

 ... and here we are now... a family of four. Wow. 

We love you, M and P! We are SO incredibly blessed to be your mom and dad.

-ashley