I Can Breathe

This year seems anew to me. Pretty obvious as it is a new year. But this time it is different. I will turn another decade, my faith is a continual journey for which I am excited to see where He leads, I'm learning to appreciate people and things in a different light, and I feel like I can finally breathe.

We've introduced two children into our home every other year since 2011. I forget that isn't 'norm', and our journey to parenthood and a family of six is definitely not cookie cutter. This is all I know. For a while after having twins, I lived in survival mode. I just wanted to get through each minute/hour/day. I couldn't look to the next meal or day without incredible anxiety and even resentment. Two babies is HARD WORK. It's cute and ideal, but friends, it isn't pretty. So there I lived.. survival. 

As I was gaining ground, we introduced Lilly Scott as a sibling and daughter. Mac and Paisley were 10 months old, and we were welcoming a 6 year old into our home. I was so scared of what I would do now. I could finally manage, and my world rocked again. Not with a baby, but a child who had a whole world of needs that I wasn't even aware of how to give.

The message at church the day after the decision was made to bring LS home floored me. It was everything I needed to hear. I wept with thanksgiving as I remembered I wasn't alone. I was (am) part of a mighty plan that is so, SO much bigger than me. He is alongside me, and I just have to be intentional about making room for Him. You see, that anxiety and worry I struggle with... it isn't from Him. It's actually from an enemy who wants to steal Christ's glory in all things. 

Fast forward to 2013. We are having another baby! Yes! No. Oh.NO! I was scared. We were loving our precious family, and God changed it. Jordan reminded me at our first ultrasound of God's promise that we aren't given more than we can handle. When I decided to stop believing Satan and start relying on that faith I had exercised with Jesus, I was okay again. Sure, it took time, but I'm merely a servant. It's not all about me.

Now, in 2015, I have been given such an extension of grace. It is a beautiful thing. I've lived in a 'survival mode' since Wells' birth. It's so easy to put Jesus in a box. I'll let him teach me about ______ and ________ but no way is this an open area. That's my truth. That's what I did, even without realizing it. Then it hit me that I don't want to live like that. He meant so much more for me. It's okay if I don't have everything accomplished, but I need to let go of that guilt. GRACE, my friends, grace. It's a beautiful, magnetic, miraculous thing. It is so easy to receive if we just call upon Him. 

This morning I'm home with a pink eye victim who is napping. I got to spend time in quiet and scripture with a cup of joe. I open last week's study and re-read about hard grace. Ann Voscamp writes: 

God is always good and I am always loved... the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness... This (is) the hard eucharisteo. The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good...

Amen. This is from her devotion book One Thousand Gifts, devotion 26. It is a beautiful piece straight to my heart over the recent years as change went faster than I could grasp. 

In my whirlwind, I have decided not to live on the brink. I have asked Jesus to save me from being overwhelmed, and He has. I.can.breathe. I have a renewed love for cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and organizing. I intentionally put all things aside to teach and cherish my four little bits. They teach me about love, kindness, and truth. He saw me here, today. He knew it all along even when I was spinning in the hamster wheel that I put myself inside. After sharing my heart on this day, let me pause to thank Him for all things. He is so good, so pure, and I want to know Him better every minute. 

Thank you for reading with me today. Please let me know how I may walk alongside you. 

as always,

ashley 

Edit 1: Let me also share that Wells turning one was also part of the reconditioning of my mindset. So if you're in the midst of baby/child/life chaos, please persevere and know there is a light in the end. I have people who reminded me that the hard stuff is a phase. If your days aren't the brightest, rest in knowing there is a bigger plan, and persevere. You aren't alone. :o)

Edit 2: I forgot something so exciting!! In 2015... something will happen. I don't know what, but my heart is being prepared for something. Maybe not even in 2015, but this excitement is coming from one who keeps His promises, always.