Mommy Meltdown

Yes, it's happened, a mommy meltdown. It is so bittersweet knowing that Mac and Paisley are 10 days away from the anniversary of the day they changed our lives forever when they entered our world. {Pardon the run-on sentence, grammar friends.} Can it be? I know, I know, I say it often. Every month posting, picture and letter has led us to the 'one year', and now it's here.

What makes me most sad? It's the thought of them growing, first off. Their feet and toes won't always be so sweet to smother in kisses. They won't always think it's funny to blow on their belly. I've heard it time and again, and I believe it now more than ever- you're never ready to see them grow. As fast as this year went, I know that each year will pass even quicker, and Mr. Time doesn't care how hard I plant my feet where we are today. 

As I prep for their first birthday party, I am surrounded by memories of our first year. Am I really wishing for sleepless nights? {Crazy, right??!} Oh, my babies, how much I've loved this year with you.

Bear with me as we scroll down memory lane: 

August 2011.

August 17- In the hospital triage having urine tested for protein. I was having labor pains, but I wasn't sure what they were. I was given a concoction of drugs to make my body relax, and we went home a few hours later. On our way out, we saw Frances and Ben being admitted to birth Holden! 

August 18- Wake up, my stomach feels blah. I don't want to eat {surprisingly, considering I could polish off a massive breakfast}. I work on thank you notes off and on, but I can't shake the yuck. I take a shower after The View hoping that will make me feel better. I sit in the shower chair {bed rest = no standing at all for me} and try to let the hot water relax me. It kind of worked. 

1:30- I go to sit in the recliner temporarily moved into our room. I hadn't put the foot rest down, so I kind of leapt {the 230 lb body, ugh} into the chair and SPLAT. Water everywhere... Funny thing, Frances was hurried out of the labor and delivery room because all rooms were full, and her room was needed... by ME! Thanks, France!

August 19, 2011

I labored all night, and they were born at 5:21 and 5:42 am. I didn't get to have 'the moment' I had seen on TV or in pictures. {You know, the one where the mom makes eye contact with the baby and kisses him/her all over.} Dr. Roberts held Mac up briefly, and I asked why his face was bruised {ahem, because he spent over 2 months in my pelvic bone, that's why}. Then he had to get help with his breathing so he was taken aside. 

Then it was time to push Paisley out. I wasn't ready. I needed a time out, but that wasn't granted. Nineteen minutes later {On August 19, mind you... I just realized this}, Paisley Grace was born. I only saw a limp baby for a half second. Then Jordan rushed to be by her as she was "bagged" as they say. She wasn't responsive when she was born- her APGAR was 2. This girl is resilient, however, and she bounced back with a bang! {In her own time, of course.}

At first Paisley came to the room with us, but her blood sugar couldn't be stabilized so she joined Mac in the nursery. Shortly after, we received a phone call that Paisley was being admitted to the NICU for observation and a sugar water IV. Her sugar level pendulum swung on the way to the NICU, and she only required IV fluids and monitoring in her time there. 

Mac came to our room about an hour later. I'm not sure what was going on with him, but he came to me as soon as he could. It truly was a whirlwind, and I was plain exhausted. 

Paisley was discharged from the NICU, and this is your first time together since birth :o)

Two days later, on August 21, we left Erlanger with TWO babies in our car!!

 Our first week home!!!

 One week old pediatric appointment!

 Mac's horrible experience under the bili lights for jaundice- he and I both cried hysterically.

 First {of many!} month pic

Thanks for the walk... and tears! :o)

as always,

ashley

Our {Almost} 28 Weekers

July 6, 2011 started like any other... I was going to the OB for an appointment, and Jordan would be on his way to work after the appointment. Jordan had missed the last few appointments {I had them every two weeks from the very beginning} so he was excited to see the live ultrasound this time. 

When you're on the multiples journey, the ultrasonographer does an internal view to measure the length of the cervix and to look for any opening of the cervix, also known as 'funneling'. I read A LOT during my pregnancy, and this 'funneling' was scary business. I had been so grateful for a healthy pregnancy, and we were expecting nothing short of normalcy. 

During this July 6th ultrasound, however, the first thing I saw was funneling. I broke into tears. I was anxious and scared of the unknown. What would happen now? What did this mean?

We met with the doctor after the ultrasound, and we learned that I was 1 cm dilated and about 30% effaced. I was one day shy of 29 weeks pregnant. 

He put me on Procardia and bed rest. Jordan stayed home with me that day. We had driven separately {he was supposed to go to work after the appointment, remember}, but Jordan picked up lunch and a movie for us to watch instead. We were watching... well, Jordan was watching, I was trying to wrap my head around all of the emotional and physical changes I was feeling. I kept feeling this tightening that I had experienced daily for the past couple of weeks. {I started having 'Braxton Hicks' contractions the day I turned 27 weeks... Well I thought they were BH at the time.}

I shared with Jordan that my stomach kept getting tight. We timed them, but they weren't painful so I wasn't nervous... Except the contractions were every 4-5 minutes. We called the doctor, and they advised us to head to the hospital. 

We packed a LIGHT overnight bag just in case....

Mary met us at the maternity entrance with a wheelchair, and we waited in the waiting room. About an hour later I was called into triage. Another 30 minutes after {I had to put on a gown, pee in a cup, give insurance information, etc}, I was put on the monitors. The contractions kept coming... some 2-3 minutes apart. Me- no pain. 

A resident came in and labeled me at '3 centimeters, 80% effaced'. WHAT?!?! 

At the OB's office, the ultrasound measured Mac and Paisley around 2 lbs each- about the size of an eggplant.

Immediately I was wheeled to a delivery room and put on magnesium sulfate. No food, no water. I hadn't eaten lunch at home because I was too nervous, and I really regretted that decision at this point.

If you remember or lived this journey with us, you remember that it was only by the grace of God that Mac and Paisley weren't born that day, one year ago today. It was a whirlwind of a day between meeting nurses, doctors, neonatologists, labor, etc. We were surrounded by prayer, and we were at peace with whatever happened. Becca and Susie brought us {well, Jordan}dinner, Jessica, Leslie and Katie brought us clothes and pillows from our house, and Matt and Bart came to pray over my body in turmoil.

We had chosen to tour Erlanger two days before {July 4} because Jordan was off, and I wasn't at peace with the other hospital choice. I can't express enough my gratitude to the amazing hospital that Erlanger is! We feel very blessed to have such an incredible teaching hospital in Chattanooga. We have had friends go through preterm labor, and their babies are doing so well! So should M and P have come into the world that day, we knew we were in the absolute best place for them.

Selfishly, I am happy to say that today we aren't celebrating Mac and Paisley's first birthday. I am glad that they are only {only? ha!} 10 months old. I am thankful for these memories that I can share with you and Mac and Paisley. 

So today, about 10 1/2 months later, here are the nuggets- 

as always,
ashley

For MOMs by MOMs- Pregnancy & Birth Story!

I've joined the link up again this week to share my pregnancy and birth story. If you are a MOM (mom of multiple) or even a singleton and want to join the link up, click here for the hostess blog this week.

We learned we were pregnant on January 12, 2011. (Click here for more details on that day.) At 3w5d, my hCG level was 131.9. At 4w0d, my hCG level was 379.1... hmmm.. so it was more than doubling every few days. I had a feeling, especially since our last pregnancy was twins. 

 At 6w3d, our first ultrasound showed TWO heartbeats :o) We then entered the world of Baby A (Mac-right) and Baby B (Paisley-left). Mac's heartbeat was 119, and Paisley's was 121. The heartbeat determining the sex was a myth for us because sometimes Mac's was faster, sometimes Paisley's was, and sometimes they were the exact same. Read more here.

6w3d

11w0d

 

22w0d

My pregnancy was pretty remarkable! We went to the OB every 2 to 3 weeks. On July 6 when I was 28w5d, an internal ultrasound showed funneling of my cervix. I've learned that 'funneling' is something MOMs know well, but my friends with singletons aren't familiar with the term. Basically 'funneling' is when the cervix begins to open from the inside from weight on it. As soon as I saw the funnel, I started crying. I was scared something was wrong. Mac's measurements guessed he was 3 pounds 1oz, and Paisley was 3 pounds.

I was put on bed rest and Procardia that day. I also got a steroid shot for their lungs to mature faster. Jordan decided to stay home with me that day, and as we laid in bed, my stomach kept tightening. The tightening wasn't any different than what I had before and was told it was Braxton Hicks. They kept coming, and I got really nervous. We called the doctor, and they advised us to go to the hospital. I packed a few things in case, but I wasn't at all prepared for what was happening.

We had visited and chosen our hospital just TWO days before this! Jordan was off July 4, and we toured Erlanger. Little did we know we'd be admitted just 48 hours later. 

After I was on the monitor, our reality presented itself- we were in labor. I had dilated another 2 cm since that morning at the OB, and I was almost fully effaced. I was admitted, put in an L and D room, and put on Magnesium for 48 hours. The magnesium basically poisons your body so the body starts to shut down. This drug was awful. It felt like being run over by a semi truck. Plus I had to have my reflexes checked every hour- not that I was sleeping. The delivery bed isn't called a 'sleeping bed' for a reason.This drug also saved my babies.

I was in the hospital 23 days. We had a few scares where I was put on heavy cocktails of drugs to make my body stop progressing. Each day that passed without a delivery was a blessing. I was on monitors every 12 hours, and that process was difficult because Mac rarely cooperated. He always rolled around so the 30 minute process took well into 2 hours sometimes. 

I am so lucky to have such a supportive family. Between my mom and Jordan, I never spent a night alone. Our families came to visit regularly, and our hospital room was quickly turned into our temporary home. We even brought our own tv and dvd player, ha! (Although that was more for Jordan than me.)

We were discharged on our anniversary- July 28. I was still on strict bed rest so my MIL came to save the day. She made it possible for me to come home, and I will always remember and appreciate the selfless gift of her time so that I could be home. She drove me to the high risk and my OB each week, and we stopped for a treat after each appointment. She made meals, kept up the laundry, and helped finish up loose ends before M and P were born. I am humbled by my gratitude for her in this phase of our lives. 

I went to the hospital 2 more times after my stay to be on monitors. One time was for a preeclampsia  scare when I had to collect urine for 24 hours, keep it on ice, and bring it to the hospital. That was interesting, ha! It's what we do, right mamas?! 

The day after I left the hospital for the preeclampsia triage trip, my water broke. I was 34w6d. I went to the hospital and labored until 5 the next morning when I was wheeled into the OR for delivery. I was able to have a natural delivery, but we had to be in the OR in case of an emergency. I pushed for about 45 minutes total. Mac was born at 5:22 and Paisley was born at 5:41. Delivery was the hardest thing I have ever done! But it couldn't have been that bad because I hope to do it again one day. :o)

Mac and Paisley were welcomed into the world by Jordan and me, their Nana and Paw Paw, Mimi and GeeP, and Uncle Jeff who waited all night for their delivery. 

The doctor held Mac up for me after he came out, and I remember asking why his face was bruised. Well it was because he spent 6 weeks in the birth canal! Poor boy! He was 'bagged' to help him breathe and wheeled to the nursery. 

Paisley came out very limp. The image in my mind scares me. She took a bit to get herself together. She wasn't ready to be born. Poor girl. She pulled through, though, and spent only a couple of days in the NICU. 

Two days after their birth, the new family of 4 drove home! 

Pictures! How fun pictures are?! You'll have to excuse me.. I was the queen of taking my own pic in the mirror during pregnancy- even if it wasn't a flattering shot.

16weeks

 

21 weeks

  24 weeks

 27 weeks

 30 weeks and my hospital room

32 weeks

My point of view at 32 weeks

34 weeks

 We made it to 35 weeks!

Mac in my arms, and Jordan with Paisley in the NICU

 

My babies!!

 Let's go home!!

For MOMs by MOMs- Introductions!

I follow a blog of a mom who delivered boy/girl twins the same day Mac and Paisley were born, August 19, 2011. (I've posted about her blog before, and you can click here to follow yourself.) Megan and other MOMs (moms of multiples) are starting a blog link up where we will all discuss the same topic once a week. This week is introductions! 

My name is Ashley, and my husband is Jordan. We have been married almost 5 years, together almost 10 years. Woah. 

I always get anxious when sharing our story, because it's emotional, and I don't want our journey to define me, us, or our family. I don't like labeling myself due to a condition we may or may not have or an obstacle we've faced. So in spite of my bundle of nerves, Jordan encourages me to share because we could help and encourage someone else. In this isolating journey, it's important to not feel alone. So here we go...

We learned in 2009 that starting a family wouldn't be as easy as we thought. It had been over a year, and we met with my OB in December 2010. I am a planner, and I didn't handle this "plan" not coming to fruition well. I went on Clomid in January, doubled the Clomid in April, had hcG shots, underwent 2 IUIs, a pelvic laparoscopy, the dye test to look for any blockages, tried acupuncture, and lots and LOTS of hot flashes and emotional roller coasters. 

In August 2009 we met with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). We found a large cyst in my ovary, and he recommended us come off all meds until this healed. We actually got pregnant that month, found out weeks later that it was an identical twin pregnancy, and that the pregnancy stopped developing. I had a D&C October 1, 2010. It was a devastating time for me, but it also grounded and shaped my faith in our Creator and His plan. 

After a cycle, I went on Letrazole and we did and IUI. I actually didn't test because I hated putting all of my energy into a "stupid stick". So I just pessimistically waited for my cycle to start. It rarely did because my cycles are all over the place so I took a medicine to induce a new beginning for the following cycle. 

I asked that we try something more invasive for the next cycle, for I knew that the best way for me to overcome the incredible loss we had experienced was to have renewed hope in a new pregnancy. Like a gambler, we were all in. I have always said that in an infertility journey, you hit a wall... the wall where you'll do whatever it takes, spend whatever amount, anything to have a baby. 

In December 2010, I began the cycle with increased Letrazole and began giving myself the follicle stimulating hormone shot, Bravelle. We did an IUI on December 31, 2010....

January brought us a positive test, two heart beats, and an incredible journey that we still live today. :o) We have boy/girl twins! Read here about our January 2011. 

After a 23 day hospital stay from preterm labor, I was discharged and on bed rest another 3 weeks. (A post on the pregnancy is next's week topic!) My water broke on August 18, 2011, and McKinney (Mac) Graham and Paisley Grace were born on August 19, 2011. 

Mac joined us later that afternoon, and Paisley was in the NICU for the first 24 hours.

 Their first time together since birth :o)

 The day we came home from the hospital- "Allen, party of 4!" :o)

I am a SAHM and love every minute.. okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. It's hard, super hard, and I don't know how I do it sometimes, but we make it! I have such fun learning M and P's personalities and we are incredibly goofy. I dance daily, and they have learned which songs (like the ABCs) make me dance the most. I laugh and think I'm the puppet here, haha! 

I love running (actually I 'love' the feeling after I run), E!, shopping, and meeting new friends :o)

-ashley

TWO Heartbeats?!!

That's what we said at the doctor last year (January 2011) during our first ultrasound. When your memories of ultrasounds aren't happy ones, going to any ultrasound is anxiety provoking. As hard as I tried to not allow anxiety and nerves to overtake my every thought, it was a daily (sometimes hourly) challenge. We had to wait 2 weeks from the positive pregnancy test before we could go to the ultrasound. It was one of the longest 2 weeks ever! 

Dr. Murray began the ultrasound... I think it took all of a few seconds, but it felt like hours.. we waited to hear what he saw... and he said "We have a heart beat!" Jordan lost it, and my jaw hit the floor in shock. What?! For real??? I had so many defenses up that it took a while for the good new to absorb... Dr. Murray continued the ultrasound... "There's a second heart beat." Jordan quickly collected himself and said, "Two??" Then we were searching for a third. The finding of heartbeats stopped after Paisley's was detected. We officially had TWO heartbeats, and we entered the world of Baby A and Baby B. 

6 weeks and 3 days

 How blessed we've been by Mac and Paisley even at such young stages in development. :o)

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; 

I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1:5

-ashley

On this day in 2011...

I was getting ready to meet a friend for lunch when I had an urge to take a pregnancy test. It was a Wednesday, and I wasn't supposed to get a positive until Friday- 2 weeks after our December 31, 2010 IUI (intrauterine insemination). Normally I would get really nervous and apprehensive before taking a test. I would be so anxious that I would forge taking the test and just wait for my cycle to start. This time was different. I didn't analyze what I would do with whatever the results were... I just took the test....

AND IT CAME OUT POSITIVE!! I immediately took another strip out of a package to test... ANOTHER POSITIVE! I laid on the bathroom floor staring at my reality. OH MY GOODNESS! I couldn't believe this was happening! 

I called Jordan, but he didn't answer. So I text him: Call me ASAP! He was in a meeting but had a gut feeling what the urgency in my text was saying. :o) 

Chattanooga had been hit with lots of snow and ice so the city was pretty still. I slid drove to TRM to have my blood drawn for hormone levels. The ice was scary, but I was on a cloud... cloud 9.

And here we are, a year later, we have TWO blessings sleeping in their cribs upstairs. 

Mac is trying to roll onto his stomach :o)

Our sweet P :o)

  "For I know the plans I have for you,”

declares the LORD, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11