The Struggle is Real

I'm writing with a different mindset. I always write from my heart, but I don't always share the truth behind the writer. Here's my truth: I struggle. There is a loooong list of areas where I am not Christ centered or focused, and I am only saved by the precious blood of Jesus. His grace that pours into me is real, and it overwhelms my sinful, undeserving soul. 

As I thought on this post, I couldn't figure out what to title or where to focus. Joy versus happiness, struggles, faith- all areas I could share. Then it hit me that I am among brothers and sisters who, like me, struggle through one, two, or ten things.

My truth is this... life isn't perfect, I am impatient with my kids, critical of my husband, controlling, often focused on materialism, and exercise to fit back into my skinny jeans. There. It's out there..... and I may puke.

Kids... My kids are amazing, prayed for, and completely adored. But they whine, are needy, make messes, don't listen every time, push my limits, and straight up get on my nerves sometimes. In moments like this, it's a battle to remember that I am working for the King {Colossians 3:23, Ephesians 6:7} rather than these energy absorbing kiddos we are raising. However, in the midst of chaos when I feel my chest is about to explode, I don't always fall to my knees. I often let the enemy magnify little things that make me so overwhelmed I stand on the edge of crazy.

I have an idea of how things should be done. When they aren't completed how I would do it, I may choose to make mention. Rather than being grateful for a teammate, sometimes I choose to critique because my own insecurities prevail. Yet He still loves and pursues me: husband and Creator.

I dream of a large, Kardashian-like closet in my 6 bedroom lake house where we host family gatherings and social festivities. The Bible is pretty clear on this ugly ideal. Not that having nice things is wrong, it's where my heart and motivation lie.

So with this confession of my trials, I will share where my eyes are lead and my heart pursues:
When I am weak, HE is strong. In the midst of my anxiety, He is steadfast. When I seek earthly happiness, I am reminded that Jesus didn't die for my happiness, he gave his life for my soul. {Isn't my soul of exponential value compared to anything on earth?}

Bottom line: I am held in the palm of His hands wherever I am.

As I hope for grace from my Heavenly Father, I must practice giving my family and myself grace. When I am flustered, He pops into my head about how flustering I can be because I just won't listen... or surrender.

 I don't have it all together, but I am a daughter of a King who does. 

So today I want to reciprocate the encouragement I have received.
No matter the issue, we are not alone, and He meets us where we are in that very struggle. We just have to turn from ourselves and accept Him.

as always,

ashley

Wells is 10 months!

Here it is: double digits. My goodness. The beauty of doing this {close to} the day you turn another month is I am not guessing if things really happened this month or the next.

When I pull out the month stickers, the next month 'label' is staring me in the face. I think 'not anytime soon' as if the sticker is the thief of time, but then the day rolls around that it's time to post another month on your chest for a picture. 

So here we are sharing about your ninth month of life and living in the 10th month of your wonderfulness

 This month you've ventured to crawling... or really a scoot, we will say. I know you move because you're never in the same spot for more than a couple seconds. Even when I'm feeding you a favorite food. When not exercising your right to the scoot, you get frustrated with the front leg because it gets stuck underneath you. Then the scoot happens.

You sat up on your own in the crib this month. I looked at the monitor and saw this! Then we lowered the crib. 

You continue to adore your sisters and brother. You kick and grin ear to ear when you see them. It makes this mama's heart melt into pieces.

Clapping is your favorite thing. You clap at songs, people, and celebrations. It's so sweet to see your chubby face light up and the clap begins. You are so completely adored and loved, sweet Wells.

Because you are a number 4, you have more adventures than anyone else your age. Just this month we've gone to the Discovery Center, the jump park, and a few dance lessons. Never a dull moment for you, and the easy temperament you have just goes with the flow. I so appreciate that. 

You LOVE bath time and splashing. Your right cheek still has that precious dimple, and this month you sprouted a third tooth! It has come in the top left. 

One night you cried when I laid you down, and it was an hour long ordeal. After I rocked you for a bit, bedtime started. That was a highlight of my month: I got to rock you to sleep. I realize these days are quickly passing so these sweet moments are forever in my heart.

On your big 10 month we celebrated at Orange Leaf with Hudson and June. We are so excited you are 10 months, but we will also look for any reason to have Orange Leaf. 

You also took a tumble on this big, double digit month birthday. You cried, and I felt like poo because you moved faster than me in this blink of an eye. 

This post is a few days late so here's your selfie on the real 9.19.14:

We love you so SO much, Wells!

Our Present Tense- Summer 2014

You two are so much fun. You make me laugh and keep me on my toes. I've tried to remember little things you do or say so that I could document them here. 

Paisley, you don't like my mama stare. You will cover your eyes and tell me to stop when you're getting the stare.

I can't help it. You are so mischievous, little miss. Last night you were nowhere to be found, and we couldn't hear you. That means something is brewing. Low and behold we found you in the dining room devouring a block of cheese. You love cheese. 

Mac, sweet and gentle are still appropriate terms for you. Your funny moment today was running up and telling me there were butterflies in your foot. Apparently you were sitting on your foot, and it fell asleep. We stomped together until all the butterflies were gone. 

Sports.. Y'all love to race and throw. Ball. Dad is waiting on his athletic child. LS is doing great in swimming, and this is a good outlet for everyone. We love going to meets, and we love even more when she improves her time (which she has done every meet for the last 2 weeks). 

You both have an 'arm' as dad says. P has quite a strong throw, and she has potential to do some damage. She's also fast. 

Mac is big. You won't be playing football (mama can't do it), but your future in other areas is bright. 

We've found a t ball league for y'all next year. I'm so excited! 

I love watching your relationship grow, and I will nurture sibling relationships as much as I can. These are some of the most important people in our life- this mama will encourage and champion them always. 

Chocolates and Knowledge

Mac and Paisley are in their second week of school. Last week was the first (obviously), and Lilly Scott was late twice. Mom has got to get it together. So this week I succumbed to an earlier wake time. It really has helped, but I still wish I could 'hit the ground running' like I did before kids. I mean I was at the gym for a 6am spin class at least 2-3 times a week. Now. Ha. I'm good to get to 10am turbo. And then I need to crawl the rest of the day. 

Today was no different, really. LS got a book from the library 'because she likes to know everything', Paisley helped herself to some cocoa almonds while I fed/tricked Wells into eating a veggie/lentil mix between bites of banana. No, I'm not a chef. It's whatever Ella's Kitchen whipped up thanks toTarget  coupons and my good ole Red card. 

And right now, I'm hiding on the stairs. Paisley won't go to sleep and Wells got her memo. 

I love you kids. I really do. But come bedtime, I melt into the floor. So there's not much left in me. Come on, moms, am I alone here? 

And an hour later... 

The knot is from falling forward as little mister is trying to learn to crawl. :(

-aa

Happy 9 Months, Wells!

Wellsy,

You're 9 whole months. I was just a few weeks beyond nine months when you decided it was time to join our family outside of my body. I was 38 weeks, 5 days. And here we are, celebrating that we've been holding you in our arms for 9 months. 

This next month is sure to give us a crawler. You want to crawl so badly. You're ready. You get on your belly and try to pull with your arms. As Dad says, you may be a scooter like Mac. 

In your eighth month your palate has really expanded. Most of it is because of convenience (feeding you fresh bread at the table when I don't have puffs) and reality that I can let go a bit. 

Your voice is so sweet... and loud! Apparently you've discovered how to be heard. 

Bananas is still a favorite, and I can sneak in a veggie between your favorite fruits. 

You are in 12 month sizes, and you definitely nap 1-3. If we are home you'll snooze 9-11, and sometimes you'll catch a few zzzzzs in the car between those times. Everyone in the nursery- YMCA and church- loves to hold you. Mr. Terry always rocks you during the message, and you cried today when he had to give you up. I think it broke both of your hearts!

Reaching and grabbing happen every day, and you're great at feeding yourself puffs. Celebrate this victory with us :o)

We love you, buddy.

-mommy

M and P turn 3: Dear Paisley

Look at how much you and Mac have grown in your short little life. We are so incredibly blessed to have such amazing kiddos. From teeny preemie babies to big 3 year olds, what a trip this has been?!

Paisley Grace,

You are so completely hilarious. You make me laugh and cringe withing minutes of each other. You are so full of life, and it scares me sometimes. There isn't a lick of fear in your body, and if you want something, you get it done. You remind me of myself in this way.

You love love love cheese. You can't get enough. You're strong enough now to open the fridge, and we've found you sinking your teeth into a block of cheddar more than once. You absolutely adore your siblings. Rarely is any one of them alone because you're always a champion for any one of them. As I type this I am reminded how incredibly lucky we are that you cherish your siblings. Thank you for valuing them like this, Paisley. It makes my heart so happy to know you love your family so much.

I touched on food above, but you love salad... and chocolate milk... and mandarin oranges... and pizza. I always call you my Paleo eater except you just ate chick fil a sauce with a spoon. You love anything that Lilly Scott loves.

You sleep with two pink and white striped zebra lovies every night. One is held under your nose while you suck that hand's thumb. Recently you've been into what you wear, pulling bows out of your hair, doing anything you know I think is gross (and laughing), painting your toenails, dressing up, getting yourself dressed, changing panties 55 times a day, and watching for Daddy to come home in the afternoons.

Here are tidbits of your language:
bachum (until VERY recently) = water
Stotty = Scotty
'I want go with you'
'what you doing?'
'I yuh you'
cheeyos = Cheerios
'nine, ten, e, twelve' = e is eleven
Tada is said after every accomplishment
swim soup = swimsuit
wuvie = lovie
L is pronounced with a 'Y' (just like LS did!)
'Mommy turn it up!' to any music
th is pronounced with an 'F': teef

You were such a sweetheart during Mac's transitions with the cast. You were very cautious of him and his needs. We had to stay home, and you were (surprisingly) content most days. You cared for him and spent time with him throughout the day. 

You're in the same preschool as Mac, and you love it! Today, however, you told me 'teacher said I not listening.' I'm not surprised, really, but we definitely expect you to listen at school, young lady. ;o)

You potty trained very easily. We woke up from name one day in February, and I decided we would give it a go. We did, and I said 'tell mommy when you have to go potty' until it hurt. Within a few days you were going in the potty, and you've done well! You get busy and do not like to stop, but you don't have accidents. If you're the slightest bit wet, you change. So yes, I have at least half a dozen pairs of Minnie/Frozen/Princess/Hello Kitty undies to wash daily. 

You are absolutely beautiful inside and out. I LOVE being your mom, and I pray I will always be a safe place for you.

ALL my love, dear P.
-mommy