This Cup Overflows: January 2015

This year seems anew to me. Pretty obvious as it is a new year. But this time it is different. I will turn another decade, my faith is a continual journey for which I am excited to see where He leads, I'm learning to appreciate people and things in a different light, and I feel like I can finally breathe.

We've introduced two children into our home every other year since 2011. I forget that isn't 'norm', and our journey to parenthood and a family of six is definitely not cookie cutter. This is all I know. For a while after having twins, I lived in survival mode. I just wanted to get through each minute/hour/day. I couldn't look to the next meal or day without incredible anxiety and even resentment. Two babies is HARD WORK. It's cute and ideal, but friends, it isn't pretty. So there I lived.. survival.

As I was gaining ground, we introduced Lilly Scott as a sibling and daughter. Mac and Paisley were 10 months old, and we were welcoming a 6 year old into our home. I was so scared of what I would do now. I could finally manage, and my world rocked again. Not with a baby, but a child who had a whole world of needs that I wasn't even aware of how to give.

The message at church the day after the decision was made to bring LS home floored me. It was everything I needed to hear. I wept with thanksgiving as I remembered I wasn't alone. I was (am) part of a mighty plan that is so, SO much bigger than me. He is alongside me, and I just have to be intentional about making room for Him. You see, that anxiety and worry I struggle with... it isn't from Him. It's actually from an enemy who wants to steal Christ's glory in all things.

Fast forward to 2013. We are having another baby! Yes! No. Oh.NO! I was scared. We were loving our precious family, and God changed it. Jordan reminded me at our first ultrasound of God's promise that we aren't given more than we can handle. When I decided to stop believing Satan and start relying on that faith I had exercised with Jesus, I was okay again. Sure, it took time, but I'm merely a servant. It's not all about me.

Now, in 2015, I have been given such an extension of grace. It is a beautiful thing. I've lived in a 'survival mode' since Wells' birth. It's so easy to put Jesus in a box. I'll let him teach me about ______ and ________ but no way is this an open area. That's my truth. That's what I did, even without realizing it. Then it hit me that I don't want to live like that. He meant so much more for me. It's okay if I don't have everything accomplished, but I need to let go of that guilt. GRACE, my friends, grace. It's a beautiful, magnetic, miraculous thing. It is so easy to receive if we just call upon Him.

This morning I'm home with a pink eye victim who is napping. I got to spend time in quiet and scripture with a cup of joe. I open last week's study and re-read about hard grace. Ann Voscamp writes:

God is always good and I am always loved... the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness... This (is) the hard eucharisteo. The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good...

Amen. This is from her devotion book One Thousand Gifts, devotion 26. It is a beautiful piece straight to my heart over the recent years as change went faster than I could grasp.

In my whirlwind, I have decided not to live on the brink. I have asked Jesus to save me from being overwhelmed, and He has. I.can.breathe. I have a renewed love for cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and organizing. I intentionally put all things aside to teach and cherish my four little bits. They teach me about love, kindness, and truth. He saw me here, today. He knew it all along even when I was spinning in the hamster wheel that I put myself inside. After sharing my heart on this day, let me pause to thank Him for all things. He is so good, so pure, and I want to know Him better every minute.

Thank you for reading with me today. Please let me know how I may walk alongside you.

as always,

ashley

Edit 1: Let me also share that Wells turning one was also part of the reconditioning of my mindset. So if you're in the midst of baby/child/life chaos, please persevere and know there is a light in the end. I have people who reminded me that the hard stuff is a phase. If your days aren't the brightest, rest in knowing there is a bigger plan, and persevere. You aren't alone. :o)

Edit 2: I forgot something so exciting!! In 2015... something will happen. I don't know what, but my heart is being prepared for something. Maybe not even in 2015, but this excitement is coming from one who keeps His promises, always.

I will always say it: I can't believe you're another year older. You have grown, changed, shared, and so much more in this year. This year you took to swimming like a fish, sharing your heart filled with Jesus, practiced a budget of give, save, spend, taught the younger siblings, and more I can't even put on paper.

Your favorite colors are pink and blue, and you love dolls and Barbies. This year you saved up for a dollhouse, and in December we made the big purchase.

You developed sweet friendships with girls on the swim team, and you improved your times and strokes greatly. You loved it being a team atmosphere but being alone in the water. It gave you time to be in your own world, which you crave daily. Your imagination soars minute by minute as you can turn the simplest piece of something into a creative work of art for your playtime.

This year we met your favorite Disney princess, Elsa of Arendale as well as several other princesses we adore. You also rode your first real roller coaster, and that was also the last for that trip. I'm thankful we have a picture!

Reading has been huge for you this year, and you've met so many of those goals. Each book you check out gets thicker, and we are encouraging you to finish one of them this time. ;o)

I took you on one date to Starbucks and Target... Every mom's go to and dream, little me.

You make us laugh even at your contagious giggles.

Third grade has nothing on you as you've grown and accepted responsibilities at school and home. While balancing extra curricular activities, you've made us so proud. School, homework, swimming, dishwasher unloading, sweeping, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, writing thank you notes, journal writing.. these are just a few of the areas you have accomplished in your eighth year. Be so proud of how much you have grown and learned, and that your heart is pure with love and compassion for others.

This year we had a skate party, and you were surrounded by all the love and attention.